


The Reichenbach Fall in Quicktime

by Sunnyrea



Series: Sherlock in Quicktime [6]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-28
Updated: 2012-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-30 06:05:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunnyrea/pseuds/Sunnyrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last episode of series 3 with lots of crack and humor and laughter to ease all your tears! Check out <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/318286">A Scandal in Belgravia</a> and <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/323906">The Hounds of Baskerville in Quicktime</a> as well to have a well rounded series of humor!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reichenbach Fall in Quicktime

**John:** …

 **Fans:** OH FUCKING SHIT NO!!!!!

 **Therapist:** Soooo, I’m back that must mean bad things.

 **John:** No, I go to a therapist when I’m happy. I’m one of those people.

 **Therapist:** And it’s raining. We like symbolism.

 **John:** I get choked up... a lot. Woe to the Watson.

 **Therapist:** Yeah and I’m going to make you say it.

 **John:** Are you a sadist?

 **Therapist:** SAY IT, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

 **John:** MAI BOYFRIEND IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!

 **Therapist:** Boyfriend?

 **John:** I said it. *sniff*

 **Fans:** *WAAAAAAAAAAAIL*

\---Oh credits, you’re like the safe haven of this episode---

 **Book Fans:** Hey look, the episode title is on a painting of a waterfall. HA!

 **Everyone:** We like to give you presents when you solve things!

 **Lestrade:** My present is the best!

 **Sherlock:** Oh no you didn’t.

 **John:** YES. HAT!

 **Sally and Anderson:** Revenge, complete.

 **Sherlock:** Slow painful deaths for all of you!

 **John:** Aww, the tabloids gave you a nickname.

 **Sherlock:** Yours matches.

 **John:** “Exceedingly gay and adorable companion of Sherlock Holmes????”

 **Sherlock:** I HATE THIS HAT.

 **John:** I wouldn’t say ‘exceedingly…’

 **Sherlock:** There are flaps and weird brims and this is NOT Victorian England. Who would wear this!?

 **John:** ‘Slightly’ perhaps or ‘Occasionally.’

 **Sherlock:** Frisbee death hat. I will find a way to make this a weapon.

 **John:** Let me add in this little bit of foreshadowing about the betrayal of the press.

 **Sherlock:** Psh. Don’t give a shit.

\---Mean while at this London landmark!---

 **Jim:** Hi. I wear baseball caps. Look how innocent I am!

 **Sign:** hmmm I wonder if looking at this crown jewel sign means - oh come one, DUH, its fucking Jim. 

**John:** Look I showered.

 **Fans:** Oh, we see that.

 **Sherlock:** I never stop experimenting.

 **John:** And hanging people from the ceiling?

 **Sherlock:** That’s what they get for giving me a _deerstalker_.

 **Jim:** Do de do, being a tourist.

 **Crown Jewels:** Well, hello there sexy thing. We want to be on your head!

 **Jim:** Arranging that!

 **Guards:** Watching my screens.

 **Bank of England:** I take my tea in a set.

 **Pentonville Prison:** Prison wardens all like the death penalty!

 **Jim:** All evil geniuses listen to classical music when they cause mayhem! Button pushing!

 **Security alarm:** Blare blare screen blinky blare.

 **Tourists:** Oh dear, we should leave…

 **Crown Jewels:** Oh darling, alone at last.

 **Sally:** Sir, a break in.

 **Lestrade:** Not our division!

 **Sally:** But it’s really important.

 **Lestrade:** Not our division!

 **Sally:** Like crown jewels.

 **Lestrade:** Not. Our. Division.

 **Sally:** …they have coffee there?

 **Lestrade:** OUR division!

 **Jim:** Button number two!

 **Bank of England:** Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat the fuck?

 **Lestrade:** Why am I driving?

 **Sally:** I should have called in sick!

 **Jim:** GLASS GRAFITTI! And button number three. Don’t you love my cute little graphics?

 **Pentonville Prison:** Oh no, not us too. That is just not fair!

 **Keep Calm Mug:** SUICIDE!!!

 **Sally:** Um, three now?

 **Lestrade:** Can we go back to ‘not our division?’

 **Jim:** See, I was chewing this gum for a reason.

 **Crown Jewels:** Don’t make me wait, sweetheart.

 **Jim:** DANCE OF SMASHING!

 **Cars:** AHHHH!

 **Coppers:** AHHHH!

 **Crown Jewels:** Was it good for you too?

 **Jim:** King of crack returns!

\---Back at Boyfriend Street---

 **John:** Your fucking phone.

 **Sherlock:** Laterz.

 **John:** I said no to that.

 **Sherlock:** Laaaaaaaaaaterz.

 **John:** …how does Jim have your phone number?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, I am so aroused!

\---And we’re back to the tower. I sense a lot of scene changes this episode---

 **Jim:** I totally got caught because I didn’t plan properly, yep, error. Didn’t mean for this at all.

 **Lestrade:** So, should we start writing your name with the smiley face in the O now?

 **Sherlock:** Suspicious...

\---NEWSPAPER MONTAGE---

 **Fans:** This song is fucking sweet!

 **Sherlock & John:** Time to dress up.

 **Press:** Picture, pictures, we are very prominent in this episode!!!

 **John:** Don’t be an ass.

 **Sherlock:** I totally won’t.

 **Jim:** Creepin on your copper.

 **Girl Cop:** What is with the gum this episode anyhow? Ew.

 **Sherlock:** I should not have walked into this bath room.

 **Kitty:** Do you like my outfit?

 **Sherlock:** Can I get one of those pins?

 **Kitty:** Seriously, I’m a big big fan.

 **Sherlock:** Also known as press?

 **Kitty:** Not IT?

 **Sherlock:** Desk line, ink smudge, and pocket recorder.

 **Kitty:** Can we go back to the ‘my bedroom’s just a taxi ride away’ type?

 **Sherlock:** No.

 **Kitty:** So, you are shagging John?

 **Sherlock:** Duh.

 **Kitty:** Well? I could be a bit of help. I am a ginger after all, theme of this series.

 **Sherlock:** Hungry journalist still looking for her big break? Denied!

 **Kitty:** You think I’m only going to be in this scene? Just you wait!

 **Lawyer:** So, tell us about Jim.

 **Sherlock:** He is one crafty ass bitch.

 **Lawyer:** Um… could you not be rude?

 **Sherlock:** Could you not suck at your job?

 **Judge:** I am edging toward dislike.

 **Lawyer:** So, you’re saying Jim is like a serious criminal?

 **Sherlock:** Uh yeah, I’m using a spider metaphor and everything!

 **Judge:** Well, maybe the jury doesn’t like metaphors.

 **Sherlock:** Well, maybe the jury needs to clean the crumbs off their clothes and stop banging each other.

 **Judge:** Really? Really. We’re in court! I can put you in jail.

 **Sherlock:** Well, maybe I like jail!

\---In jail…---

 **Jim:** NEIGHBORS!  <3

 **Cinematography:** You thought Belgravia was cool? Look at this shot!

 **John:** I am going to run out of money bailing you out one day, I can see it.

 **Sherlock:** Not if I’m dead.

 **John:** Like you’d ever die.

\---We’re only 18 minutes in and the scene changes are already making me dizzy---

 **John:** You’re doing the face.

 **Sherlock:** What face?

 **John:** The ‘I am really hot and bothered, let’s go shag face.’

 **Sherlock:** … I don’t think that’s the face I’m making.

 **John:** I always see that face.

 **Sherlock:** Yeah well, Jim’s up to an evil plan!

 **John:** Obviously.

 **Sherlock:** Shag now?

\---Oooooo scenery of pretty sky!---

 **Jim!Lawyer:** Um… just keeping the seat warm, nothing to say.

 **John:** Da fuck?

 **Fans:** OH MY GOD, IT’S THE KNIT TIE!!! …*cough*

 **Jim:** Whoops, guess I forgot court room procedure?  <3 Hi John.

 **Sherlock:** I talk for judges.

 **Judge:** So? Guilty?

 **Jury:** Um… we’re going to go with _not_ guilty here.

 **Sherlock:** TEA TIME.

 **Jim:** I break in to houses!

 **Sherlock:** Me too! I mean… should have knocked.

 **Jim:** Want to hear a story about Bach?

 **Sherlock:** Aw! You do like my playing!

 **Jim:** I like one of your apples.

 **Sherlock:** And tea.

 **Jim:** And you’re on the side of the angels! …I like wing fics.

 **Sherlock:** So? Threatened the jury?

 **Jim:** Duh.

 **Sherlock:** Obvious.

 **Jim:** And now we have The Final Problem.

 **Book Fans:** AHHHH!!!

 **Sherlock:** You mean the real plot of the episode?

 **Jim:** Psh, this episode doesn’t have a plot!

 **Camera:** Let me focus in on Jim’s tapping fingers. It’s not a clue or anything I just like his manicured nails.

 **Jim:** So, gonna say ‘I don’t know?’

 **Sherlock:** I don’t know!

 **Jim:** Are you copying me?

 **Sherlock:** Am I copying you?

 **Jim:** I love John.

 **Sherlock:** SAY THAT AGAIN, BITCH!

 **Jim:** So? Deduce for my baby.

 **Sherlock:** The key.

 **Jim:** Sounds like a horror movie.

 **Sherlock:** With you opening doors, hell yes.

 **Jim:** This apple is delicious.

 **Sherlock:** You know the camera is doing this thing where it films you head on and me from above to show that you have the advantage in this situation. Damn it.

 **Jim:** Wait till you see me in a crown.

 **Sherlock:** It’s my desktop wall paper.

 **Jim:** Anyhow, let me allude to ‘falling’ here, you know, just in case you jump off a building or something later.

 **Sherlock:** As if.

 **Jim:** I’m saying FALL again.

 **Sherlock:** You’re just jealous you don’t have a John.

 **Jim:** Adorable  <3

 **Sherlock:** Why don’t you take your scary guy looks and fuck off out of my flat.

 **Jim:** Hmm kay, but I O U!!! Made you some apple art work.

 **Sherlock:** Sweet.

\---More newspaper montage! We love montages!!!---

 **John:** I need money!

 **Mycroft!text:** I need to you come here!.

\---And over at The Diogenes Club---

 **Book Fans:** AHHHHHHH IT JUST KEEPS COMING!!!

 **John:** So….?

 **Everyone:** Did he just…?

 **John:** Mycroft Holmes?

 **Everyone:** …

 **John:** You know, annoying guy, kinda gay, umbrella, cake?

 **Old Guy:** *PANIC*

 **John:** Don’t make me go Watson on you.

 **Butlers:** *carry you out*

 **Mycroft:** Oh sorry, did I not mention the no talking rule?

 **John:** Asshole.

 **Mycroft:** So, this newspaper is doing a piece on Sherlock.

 **John:** Jen from IT?

 **Mycroft:** It is in no way my fault what so ever. At all.

 **John:** One of these days you will phone me about these things instead of kidnapping me.

 **Mycroft:** Also all these hit men have moved in near your flat.

 **John:** Can I hire one to kill you?

 **Mycroft:** JUST TRYING TO HELP!

 **John:** When Sherlock and I get married, you’re not invited to the wedding.

 **Mycroft:** Whatever. *sniffle*

\---Back at Baggins Street---

 **John:** OH MY GOD MY HOGWARTS LETTER!!!!

 **Letter:** JK, dirt.

 **John:** *sniffle*

 **Lestrade:** Hey. 

**Sherlock:** KIDNAPPING! WHEE!

 **Sally:** I cannot wait until my big ‘Sherlock is to blame’ scene!!!

 **Video camera:** buzz buzz

\---Over in Surrey---

 **Sniffle lady:** I have a blanket

 **Sherlock:** HARASSMENT!

 **John:** I should just keep him locked up at home.

 **Sherlock:** Time to investigate some rooms!

 **Book:** Hey, John, maybe you should pay attention about matching paper and seals! HINT HINT.

 **John:** Whatever. Busy.

 **Sherlock:** Room #2.

 **Sally:** Come on, hurry up, I want my moment of evilness!

 **Sherlock:** Kid reads spy books?

 **John:** Leave us a clue?

 **Anderson:** I get to play!

 **Sherlock:** Good job Anderson, we found the ‘help us’ message all because of you!

 **Anderson:** Oh my god, really? Does that mean you like me now!?!

 **Sherlock:** Hell no.

 **Anderson:** Yeah, well, then I’m siding with Sally!

 **Sherlock:** And I’ll probably punch you. Look foot prints and I am taking samples.

 **John:** *pst* No smiling.

 **Sherlock:** TO BARTS.

 **Molly:** Oh god, please, not again. Can’t I just go home to my cat?

 **Sherlock:** I have crisps. We have to solve this Jim case!

 **Molly:** Jim wasn’t my boyfriend because I break up with whinny bitches.

 **Feminists:** OH SNAP!

 **Sherlock:** I said _crisps_.

 **Molly:** Fuck my life.

 **Sherlock:** Deducing with my microscope!

 **Molly:** I get to deduce too!

 **Sherlock:** La de da, I figure out stuff and it writes itself in the air. I’m like a powerpoint display!

 **Molly:** So… here’s a kind of sad story about my dead dad.

 **Sherlock:** No fuck is given!

 **Molly:** You look sad.

 **Fans:** GASP.

 **Molly:** When you think he can’t see you.

 **Fans:** DOUBLE GASP.

 **Sherlock:** …you can see me.

 **Molly:** I don’t count.

 **Fans:** OH MY GOD, WHAT IS FEELING!?

 **Molly:** Surprise, I have insight you don’t.

 **Sherlock:** Looking at you in a new light.

 **Molly:** So, if you need help which I know you don’t then I’m here even though I know you don’t have anything you need from me and yeah, bye. *run away*

 **Sherlock:** Emotions are difficult…

 **Book:** JOOOOOHN

 **John:** Oh, now I see you!

 **Sherlock:** Matching Howarts tease!

 **John:** Are we really using fairy tales as a clue?

 **Sherlock:** CANDY, TO ARMS!

 **Kids:** We’re kind of gross how we’re eating this.

 **Lestrade:** Um… I got a fax?

 **Sherlock:** Need to find a disused candy factory.

 **Sally:** Sooooo cloooooose!

 **Sherlock:** Check out my facial map with homeless photo catalog.

 **Anderson:** I get eye rolls.

 **Sherlock:** ADDLESTON, TO ARMS!

 **John:** You used that one already.

 **Sherlock:** ooooo poisoned candy wrappers, love it!

 **John:** *face palm*

 **Sally:** I win, found them!

 **Kids:** How did we get so much chocolate on our faces…

 **Sherlock:** Can I question her?

 **Lestrade:** Can you not be crazy?

 **Sherlock:** *un pops collar*

 ** ~~River Song~~ Little Girl:** OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

 **Sherlock:** Cumberbitches start young!

 **Lestrade:** This amuses me too much.

 **Jim!paint:** I just like to deface glass!

 **Sally:** That was greeeeeeeeeeeat, hint hint, IT WAS SO YOU!!!!

 **John:** Home then?

 **Sherlock:** Get your own taxi, I’m pouty!

 **John:** Little bitch.

 **Sally:** Seeds of disbelief growing into plants!

 **Lestrade:** For serious?

 **Jim!video:** Hi honey.

 **Sherlock:** Wtf?

 **Sally:** Sooooo I mean, since I like to ignore all the other evidence about how Sherlock is totally for real, let’s focus on this foot print of ‘how the fuck?’

 **Lestrade:** Naaaw, come on.

 **Jim!Video:** Uh oh, you’ve been a ‘boast a lot’ asshole just one too many times and maybe I also made this a little too easy for you to be framed as the bad guy.

 **Sherlock:** Um…. Not liking this story.

 **Sally:** I’m a disbelieving knight!

 **Anderson:** Me too (which is a real surprise, I should be the jester or something).

 **Lestrade:** Yeah, well, I’m fucking king.

 **Jim!Video:** FINAL PROBLEM, HA HA!

 **Sherlock:** Stop saying the story title!

 **Jim:** NO CHARGE!

 **Sherlock:** Why do you get all the fun lines!?

 **Hit man:** *saved you*

 **Sherlock:** Oh gee, thanks.

 **Hit man:** *shot dead*

 **John:** You okay, baby?

 **Sherlock:** Hit man, wtf?

 **John:** Mycroft was all ‘watch out for Sherlock, there’s hit men’ drama drama, you know.

 **Sherlock:** I have important things!

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Check out my fashionable night gown.

 **Sherlock:** AH HA CAMERA.

 **Lestrade:** So… Sally had her big scene…

 **Sherlock:** Bitch please.

 **Lestrade:** ‘Oh course, Greg, I’ll play nice and come in for questioning,’ you mean?

 **Sherlock:** NOPE.

 **John:** I am getting this slow creeping foreboding feeling coming on.

 **Sherlock:** I don’t care what they think.

 **John:** I CARE.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, sweetheart.

 **John:** Not a fraud.

 **Sherlock:** This is going to be really sad later when I tell you I am.

 **John:** You’d have to be a real actor to be such a fucking dick.

( **Benedict:** Thank you, thank you. *bows*)

 **Sherlock:** Is that John Watson for ‘I love you?’

 **Sally & Anderson:** GOING OVER YOUR HEAD.

 **Superintendent:** Sherlock Holmes, say fucking what?

 **Lestrade:** Um…

 **Superintendent:** Arrest the wanker!

 **Lestrade:** …Calling John.

 **John:** And this is why I learned his first name.

 **Sherlock:** *pout*

 **Mrs. Hudson:** You got another Hogwarts package.

 **Sherlock:** I am not a ginger bread man, lame.

 **Sirens:** Heeeeeeeeeeeey baby hey!

 **Mrs. Hudson & John:** Oh hell no, not our boy!

 **Sherlock:** *noble scarf and jacket donning*

 **Lestrade:** I am arresting you!!! …sorry.

 **Sherlock:** It’s cool. I like handcuffs.

 **Sally:** Told you so, nay nay nay nay naaaaaaaay!

 **Superintendent:** So, this guy is clearly a freak weirdo loser.

 **John:** PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE!

 **Sherlock:** I knew you liked hand cuffs too.

 **John:** Couldn’t let down the fan girls.

 **Sherlock:** Daring escape?

 **John:** Let’s do this.

 **Sherlock:** *SCREECHY DISTRACTION*

 **Coppers:** Ow.

 **Sherlock:** I’ve got a gun!

 **John:** And a… hostage? Seriously? Like any one of them would really believe me as a hostage since I’m the only friend you have.

 **Sherlock:** And now we run!

 **Lestrade:** I should have been a fireman.

 **Sherlock:** Take my hand!

 **John:** Now people will definitely talk.

 **Fans:** John, we’ve been talking since you walked into the lab in ‘A Study in Pink.’

 **Sherlock:** Fence!

 **John:** No fence!

 **Sherlock:** Stop being short then.

 **John:** Kiss me and I will.

 **Sherlock:** There must be a fic like this.

 **Hit man:** *creeps*

 **Sherlock:** Run in front of a bus!

 **Hit man:** Save you!

 **Sherlock:** What you want?

 **Hit man:** The key code, duh, seriously how could you not have figured that out some how?

 **Sherlock:** Um…

 **Hit man:** *also shot dead*

 **Sherlock:** We should probably find that key code.

 **John:** Or we could go hang out with Kitty and find out who Richard Brook is.

 **Kitty:** Creepers.

 **Fans:** All my dreams.

 **John:** Yeah, why were we sitting in the pitch black anyway? Couldn’t have had one light on? It’s not like she wasn’t going to find us.

 **Sherlock:** Who’s Richard Brook?

 **Kitty:** It’s totally not Moriarty.

 **Jim:** Hi honey, I’m home!

 **Sherlock:** WHAT. THE. FUCK.

 **Jim!Richard:** Oh my god, look how scared I am. I am so authentic!

 **John:** OH HELL NO!

 **Kitty:** Psh, this is Richard, Moriarty is fake!

 **John:** Uh, no!

 **Kitty:** Richard is an actor Sherlock hired to be his arch nemesis, GOT MY BIG BREAK STORY!

 **Jim!Richard:** …sorry about the bomb thing John.

 **Sherlock:** I am so fucked.

 **John:** I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!

 **Kitty:** No really, I have proof that totally couldn’t have been faked or anything!

 **Jim!Richard:** I’m a children’s TV actor, like that knight story you got in your cab, Sherlock, remember that?

 **Sherlock:** I am looking rather quietly fierce and enraged right now. It’s awesome acting, it should be my turn for a BAFTA.

 **John:** Articles and a resume…

 **Jim!Richard:** Don’t forget the DVDs! So annoying to make those, let me tell you, but Sherlock I like beating you that much!

 **Sherlock:** Gonna kick your ass!

 **Jim!Richard:** Oh, look how convincing I am running in fear!

 **Sherlock:** The tension is mounting.

 **Kitty:** Yeah, well, I don’t like you anymore.

 **John:** _The IT Crowd_ sucks, bitch!

 **Sherlock:** So, Jim is trying to turn this all around, make everyone believe I’m a fake – putting a big lie with small truths – and all he has to do to really win is… oh shit I just figured out the finale.

 **John:** It’s not you dying or anything like that, is it?

 **Sherlock:** Um. I have go do some shit alone so… talk to you later!

\---Over at Casa de Molly, I mean Barts---

 **Sherlock:** Hi. You are my friend, btw, Mols.

 **Molly:** omg nickname.

 **Sherlock:** I’m not okay.

 **Fans:** *sniffle*

 **Molly:** Finally important! This is my shinning episode!

 **Sherlock:** Want to help me prepare a fake suicide so that I can beat Jim Moriarty and protect John Watson?

 **Molly:** IN.

\---Meanwhile in Pounce town---

 **Mycroft:** Did you break into my office?

 **John:** You are a really bad brother.

 **Mycroft:** It so was not my fault.

 **John:** You so are going to sibling hell.

 **Mycroft:** I’m the British government! You think we couldn’t catch Jim? Hell yes we could!

 **John:** Catch him and…?

 **Mycroft:** We offered him cake for weeks.

 **John:** Cake?

 **Mycroft:** And by ‘cake’ I mean torture.

 **John:** Yeah, you don’t share cake.

 **Mycroft:** And by torture I mean a few slaps.

 **John:** Call me next time, I can handle that.

 **Mycroft:** Anyhow, he wanted to talk about Sherlock; I wanted to talk about world crime to protect the crown. Quid pro quo…

 **John:** You. Bitch.

 **Mycroft:** Uh… sorry?

 **John:** LEAVING.

\---Sceeeeeeeeeene change to Barts and oh god the tension is HIGH---

 **Sherlock:** I’m playing with a ball.

 **John:** I am not going to tell you about your brother’s betrayal because you probably already know plus I’m all protective and shit.

 **Sherlock:** We need the key code.

 **John:** Um… should I do something random that gives you an idea?

 **Sherlock:** Have at it.

 **John:** Just drumming my fingers.

 **Sherlock:** Binary is so cool!

 **Sherlock!text:** Meet me on the roof, Jimmy, presents!  <3

 **Ball:** Wow, we’ve focused on me three times now, I wonder if fan speculation is going to follow about pulse slowing techniques involving griping a ball in one hand. You know, in case anyone was thinking about faking a suicide.

 **John:** Wait what?

*DISTRACTION PHONE CALL*

 **John:** Omg, Mrs. Hudson’s been shot!

 **Sherlock:** Whatever.

 **John:** Um, hospital?!

 **Sherlock:** I said, whatever! 

**John:** Fine, stay alone then!

 **Sherlock:** Alone protects me.

 **John:** Friends protect people!

 **Fans:** Oh my goooooood!!!! Already sobbing!

 **Jim!Text:** Umm… don’t stand me up!

\---AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF! With the bee gees…---

 **Jim:** Sooooo I’m kind of depressed cause you were so much fun and now you’re totally not since I’ve won. So lonely, wah wah.

 **Sherlock:** Richard Brook equals Reichenbach.

 **Jim:** Well, I thought it was funny!

 **Sherlock:** And I know your code so I can fix everything up again!

 **Jim:** Really? Really. You think it’s real? Is this a James Bond movie?

 **Sherlock:** Uh… but criminal master mind break ins?

 **Jim:** You are ruining my life right now. I just had some little helpers, like elves.

 **Sherlock:** So… I’m wrong?

 **Jim:** And that’s what you get for needing high drama.

 **Sherlock:** So, why are we on this roof?

 **Jim:** How many times do I have to say ‘Final Problem’ and ‘Fall’ before you clue in?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, yeah, suicide

 **Jim:** 1 point Sherlock, 5 Billion points Jim.

 **John:** OH MY GOD, MRS HUDSON DON’T DIE.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Huh?

 **John:** …. Oh shit, diversion!

 **Jim:** Gonna kill yourself now?

 **Sherlock:** I’m not emo like you!

 **Jim:** Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? I asked nicely.

 **Sherlock:** I could always throw you off the roof because that would totally solve things!

 **Jim:** But I told all these hit men to kill your friends if you don’t kill yourself so it would probably be a good idea if you do.

 **Sherlock:** John?

 **Jim:** Obviously.

 **Sherlock:** Mrs. Hudson.

 **Jim:** Oh yeah.

 **Sherlock:** Lestrade?

 **Lestrade:** HE THINKS I’M A FRIEND! *squeal*

 **Jim:** HELL YEAH.

 **Sherlock:** Molly?

 **Jim:** What?

 **Sherlock:** What?

 **Jim:** So, jump or they die. Mwa ha ha, I’m so evil!

 **Sherlock:** Stepping up on the ledge.

 **Jim:** Let me get my camera!

 **Sherlock:** *giggle*

 **Jim:** Um. People about to commit suicide usually don’t laugh.

 **Sherlock:** If I’ve got you I can get you to call off the hit men!

 **Jim:** No, you can’t, you’re angel boy.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, really? See any wings? 

**Jim:** I use ordinary as an insult.

 **Sherlock:** And I am just like you. So, I. Will. Fuck. You. Up.

*DRAMATIC MUSIC MOMENT SO WE KNOW HE’S NOT KIDDING*

 **Jim:** SWEET. LOVE IT. I kind of want to hug you!

 **Sherlock:** Shake hands instead, kay?

 **Jim:** SHOOTING MYSELF, HA HA, NEVER STOP THE CRAZY!

 **Sherlock:** Holy mother fuck!

 **Jim:** *is so dead*

 **Hit man:** In place to kill the lucky three!

 **Sherlock:** And I’m back on the ledge.

 **John:** ARRIVED! …just in time for immense woe.

 **Sherlock:** *calling*

 **John:** Hey! Everything is cool now, right? Not going to die or anything right?

 **Sherlock:** Could you walk back so that small building is in your way blocking your view of the street just below my building?

 **John:** No problem.

 **Sherlock:** By the way, I’m on the roof.

 **John:** Oh. So here’s where that foreboding leads.

 **Sherlock:** I’m a fake.

 **John:** No.

 **Sherlock:** I made up Moriarty. 

**John:** Nope.

 **Sherlock:** It’s all true, I made it up, I’m a fake.

 **John:** Still not believing you.

 **Sherlock:** No one could be that clever.

 **John:** You could.

 **Sherlock:** *SIGNIFICANT TEAR*

 **Fans:** *MANY MORE TEARS*

 **John:** COMING TO GET YOU.

 **Sherlock:** Uh. I said no moving from your specific spot of line of sight, thank you!

 **John:** Why you make me sad?

 **Sherlock:** Cause the phone call is my note.

 **John:** Love note?

 **Sherlock:** I’m on a roof...

 **John:** I SAID LOVE NOTE!

 **Sherlock:** …or not.

 **John:** Can we rewrite this ending? It just be a happy Jim is dead sex scene instead? Lots of gay baker street boy sex?

 **Moffat and Gatiss:** Hell no.

 **Sherlock:** So, Kay bai.

 **John:** No kay bai.

 **Sherlock:** _Kay bai…_

 **John:** NO kay bai!

 **Sherlock:** KAY BAI. *mobile drop*

 **John:** I SAID NO KAY BAI!!!

 **Sherlock:** Whatever, jumping. *sniffle*

 **Fans:** OH GOD.

~Jump!~

 **John:** AHHHH!

 **Fans:** **AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!**

 **John:** Omg! Omg! Must rush over to boyfriend!

 **Biker:** This is so totally an accident… SMACK!

 **John:** Ow ow, not good timing, ow…

 **Fans:** …did that truck just leave? Suspicious!

 **Bystanders:** Ooo this is going up on twitter!

 **John:** PLEASE LET ME THROUGH, I’M HIS FRIEND!

 **Fans:** *ugly sobbing*

 **Sherlock:** *looks all dead*

 **John:** …I am the saddest person in the whole world.

 **Sherlock:** It’s going to be a bitch to get all this fake blood out of my hair…

 **John:** *Busy winning BAFTAs with facial expressions.*

 **Hit men:** Damn, and I was looking forward to some murder today. Bye now.

\---And now to the sad people---

 **Mycroft:** *in need of cake*

 **John:** *sitting next to a very empty chair*

 **Fans:** I’M CRYING TOO MUCH TO SEE THE SCREEN!

 **Therapist:** Sooooo, what did you want to tell him? Maybe something like ‘you were the best shag ever’ or ‘I love you more than anyone in the whole wide world?’

 **John:** Uh no.

 **Therapist:** Come on, I won’t gossip!

 **John:** Noooooooo creeper.

\---Time for grave visit with a quiet variation on theme music playing---

 **Mrs. Hudson:** He was such a brat.

 **John:** Yeah.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** Such a stupid, ruddy, arsehole brat!!! *SNIFF*

 **John:** Yeah, chill, bye now. Private boyfriend time.

 **Mrs. Hudson:** You go do your awesome speech.

~alone for amazing moving ending scene~

 **John:** You were the best man I have ever known. I really needed you because I was all crippled and alone. _Itotallylovedyou._ And when you turn out to be alive in 3 years I am going to punch you in the fucking face then snog the shit out of you. Just so you know. *sniff*

 **Grave stone:** Oh come on, I can’t reflect this sorrow; it’s like having to be the building Sherlock jumped from. 

**John:** SOLDIERING ON DRAMATICLY!

 **Sherlock:** *creeps* PS – totally alive…

\---THE END---

 **Fans:** I HATE EVERYTHING. I HATE THE WORLD. I HATE THIS EPISODE. ….I love it. *SOBS*


End file.
